BattleBots_Update- bbu6 - E106: Crowd Favorites Never Win

author:Justin "RFS" Bardin

 

Voltarc vs. Biohazard
         Sean Salisbury has a magical way with words; whatever he mentions on a robot will quickly either break, fall apart, or stop moving. This is the case with Biohazard. At the beginning of the fight Biohazard is looking like it's the better robot compared to Voltarc by getting in under the wedge and feeling it up. Not long after Sean Salisbury comments on Biohazards "anti wedge" design it rides right up on Voltarc's wedge. What ensues can only be described as the most boring three minutes in BattleBots history.

         Biohazard is stuck on Voltarc who decides to parade Biohazard around to every single hazard on the arena floor. As Sean Salisbury quickly mentions, you're only supposed to be able to hold your opponent for up to thirty seconds, but, you know since he mentioned it of course that rule is going to stop taking effect. After making comments such as "taking Biohazard apart one endorsement sticker at a time" our battlecasters quickly find themselves falling into the dangerous television realm known as "dead air". Just so you know, the referees haven't separated the two robots yet so to make up for the lack of possible commentary they stick a bubble of Voltarc's drive Stephen Felk up in the corner and let him ramble on about things that aren't about pro football this time.

         Believe it or not they actually come up with slow motion replays after the fight, I don't know how, but they do; speaking of after-battle events Stephen Felk just about craps himself in excitement after an extremely questionable win over Biohazard. For the remainder of the episode they never really tell us why they like the fight carry on as it did and didn't make Voltarc let go of Biohazard.

Rammstein vs. Mechadon
         Two more robots that we haven't seen in the series yet are about to bang heads. Rammstein resembles a lower profile version of Minion with a spike instead of a saw blade (which Minion now no longer has); however thanks to their twenty eight feet of ground clearance (approximate) Rammstein's wedges are rendered absolutely useless. Mechadon is the most expensive piece of techno junk I have ever seen, ranking in at $14,000. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly an awesome looking beast, but it is slow and completely ineffective against every single possible kind of robot except for one that purposely self destructs to forfeit the battle. Mechadon's weapon also acts as its mobility system: six giant steel claws. Looking like something straight out of a monster movie Mechadon enters the fight ever so slowly.

         During the battle Mechadon actually looks like it might be a formidable opponent against Rammstein; it's such a large target and covered in weapons that any attack might allow it to strike back, perhaps my judgment of the robot was wrong? No, I was right. No more than 20 seconds into the battle Mechadon renders itself useless by trying a somersault move to chase after Rammstein. The result of the move leaves two thirds of the robot on its back and wide open to a hit. I've heard the commentary to this fight a hundred times at least and every single time I have absolutely no fucking clue what Bil Dwyer is talking about when he says "I swear he did that move in the Motown special in 1985" last time I checked not even Robot Wars was around in 1985. Mechadon recovers from being flipped over and then proceeds to do it again while trying to catch Rammstein. It's about this time that Rammstein's driver realizes that Mechadon poses about as much of a threat to their robot as a McDonald's Happy Meal so they begin to ram Mechadon into the arena wall repeatedly.

         After several runs on the assault one of the legs of Mechadon starts to come apart which further immobilizes the machine. Mechadon would have better luck if it just started spinning its arms wildly to beat away Rammstein who is now realizing that they've got an easy win coming. In the last moments of the fight Mechadon gets in a lucky shot to try and at least score one point with the judges. Rammstein gets caught up in the flexing and spinning appendages of Mechadon, but rather than letting the ensuing tentacle rape begin, Rammstein breaks away and skates off with the win (and Mechadon does get that one point it wanted so badly).

Alpha Raptor vs. Tentomushi
         Apparently they either decided to have the Lightweight Rumble in the middle of the event, or Comedy Central realized that they were almost out of initial test run episodes so they stuck the rumble in the middle of the fifth episode just to show viewers what's to come when the event is over. Here's a tip, if you count the number of "WINNER" badges on Backlash you'll figure out that not only did it win the Lightweight event, but that the rumble of course took place after all of these fights. We didn't get to see Alpha Raptor in the rumble (you'll find out why in later weeks) so it's new to everyone here. It's armed with a lifting arm similar to what we've seen on Biohazard, just packaged differently. Tentomushi on the other hand, is a robot we got to see very little of in the rumble because it was knocked out very early on (see if you can guess why). God only knows why this is a crowd favorite robot, but at least it has a clever design. The little sandbox opens up and underneath it is a saw blade and the driver can of course capture opponents under the dome and take them around the arena, but not if its opponent has a beefier drive system.

         You can see it in Alpha Raptor's driver's eyes that he's not about to take any bullshit from a sandbox on wheels, but it seems he is just a little to determined to bitchslap Tentomushi within seconds of the buzzer. Alpha Raptor starts the attack fiercely and smashes itself head on into the arena ramp hazard. After taking a few moments to let the pain subside in its face, Alpha Raptor commences "no bullshit mode" one more. Not even caring if it's under the sandbox dome or not, Alpha Raptor lifts the ladybug robot up and takes it to the wall where the antennae fly off. Alpha Raptor seems to enjoy taking its grand old time to attack but when it does the impact is always great, as we quickly see the bullet-like robot take Tentomushi onto the hazards while it's "captured" under that dome, using Tentomushi's weapon against itself.

         Towards the end of the fight you can see the damage the brute force attacks of the lightweight Alpha Raptor has caused. The black motor and linear actuator combo that works the capturing dome starts to twitch and come loose and of course isn't raising that dome up at all.

- Justin "RFS" Bardin