BattleBots_Update- bbus2e9 - E209: An Hour Full Of Bizarre Losses

author:Justin "RFS" Bardin

 

Atomic Wedgie vs. Toro
         After disposing of the reigning champion Minion earlier in the tournament, Atomic Wedgie has been a robot that most competitors have wanted to avoid; even though they're obviously ignoring the fact that Minion did itself in by crashing into the wall. Minion could have done that against Scrap Daddy SHW 325 just as well as it did with Atomic Wedgie. Toro is a new competitor that has already made its name known by tossing the bizarrely named Tripulta Raptor onto its head with a single shot. Atomic Wedgie has wheels on both of its sides though, so it's looking like Toro is going to have to flip its opponent like a wage slave kid at McDonalds flips (or is supposed to, at least) those patties.

         Toro wastes no time in attempting to dispose of Atomic Wedgie, missing its first flip but sending the treaded ramp flipping. Bil Dwyer comments that Toro wants to end this fight as quickly as it ended Minion, but can't because Atomic Wedgie is "ready to go" if you flip it over. I don't know what show Dwyer has been watching, but according to the recap cutaway they showed like 30 seconds ago, Toro didn't KO Minion. Toro is repeatedly sending Atomic Wedgie flying like it's weightless without much resistance or any damage whatsoever from Atomic Wedgie's cleverly placed saw blades that are in an opportune spot to not do a goddamn thing. Atomic Wedgie is getting rolled more times than YouTube did to their viewers on April 1st and is showing noticeable signs of slowing down while Toro is on the attack.

         Just when it looks like there is noticeable damage done to Atomic Wedgie's treads Toro seems to have broken down and gets bumped over to the arena wall. Atomic Wedgie, who was tossed around and made into Toro's literal bitch, is able to sneak away with what seems like a self-inflicted knock out on Toro's part.

Complete Control vs. El Diablo
         Complete Control enters this quarterfinal event after we had the pleasure of seeing it repeatedly pick up and slam Super Chiabot around all over the arena. Complete Control's weaponry is that little grabbing claw that is used to literally dead lift its opponent, hence the name "Complete Control." El Diablo is a new contender to this event that we saw a glimpse of in the introduction episode. El Diablo's weapon is a combination of a spinning drum (the first in televised BattleBots history) and a pitchfork wedge in the back.

         Right away it looks like Complete Control's right side of its drive system is jammed or not working as well as the left since it has trouble moving around, which gives El Diablo a clean shot with its drum... but instead it uses its spikes to poke the lifter into the wall. I'm not trying to say anything about the Victor 883 speed controller, but if you look both Toro and Complete Control during their introductions, both of them are sporting Victor stickers and both of them are having obvious control issues. Complete Control appears to start working and grabs hold of El Diablo, lifting it up and bending one of its front stabilizers in the process. The little "thumb" on Complete Control's lifting arrangement actually gets stuck in El Diablo's treads and Complete Control uses this time to try and get over to the hazards, driving completely over the Ramrods which we have yet to actually see do anything at all. Ever. Complete Control has to eventually let El Diablo go as the rules state so rather than simply drop its opponent, it decides to take El Diablo and throw it onto its back in true Complete Control fashion.

         While Bil Dwyer is mumbling about dual radio systems for weapons and drive train, it becomes apparent that Complete Control, much like Toro, has knocked itself out after being "too extreme." El Diablo, while not as defenseless and pathetic as Atomic Wedgie, is able to run off with the win.

Gold Digger vs. Frenzy
         We last saw both of these robots during our special "USA vs. UK" episode. On a good day this fight would actually have been Killerhurtz vs. Frenzy, but because the Killerhurtz team in all of their infinite wisdom forgot to plug their fucking weapon in when fighting Gold Digger, they lost (to a Heavyweight thwack bot) and Gold Digger got an easy ride to the quarterfinals. Frenzy on the other hand earned the right to party by completely decimating Panic Attack 3, a seasoned Robot Wars competitor with a number of wins under its belt. I guess it shows that no matter how many fights you won due to Sir Killalot blowing your opponent's ass wide open, it doesn't make a bit of difference when you get thrown into a real arena with hazards and opponents that aren't made of Nerf.

         Gold Digger comes out swinging as usual and manages to deflect Frenzy away temporarily. Frenzy retreats towards the hazards and Gold Digger follows suit, running into the spinner, getting disoriented, and driving onto the Killsaws where the resulting impact disables Gold Digger and allows Frenzy to get in a few hilarious cheap shots. I wish I could say more but unlike the ramming action we previously saw from Gold Digger, a few equivalents of a light kick knocked the 200 pound robot clear out. I guess they forgot to plug in their "not-a-piece-of-shit" cable. It happens sometimes, just ask Rammstein.

Backlash vs. Sallad
         Last season we got to see a lot of Backlash tearing into its opponents and otherwise making them feel generally uncomfortable. Oddly enough we haven't seen a lot of action from the reigning Lightweight champion this season and this is the first time we get to see it in action. For the most part Backlash looks the same, with only a few noticeable adjustments made to the positioning of its weapon motor and the metal brackets holding it all together. Meanwhile while Backlash was invisibly terrorizing opponents we had the pleasure of seeing Sallad wipe the floor with a newly rebuilt Mouser Mecha Catbot.

         Right away Sallad attempts to try and get out of the arena, certain that the hazards are less damaging than Backlash, who seems to be armed with a crooked spinning disc that's only perfectly straight when Mark Beiro is saying its name or when it poses nice for an official BattleBots.com picture. Sallad gets jammed in the spike strip but uses its attack arm to bang itself away and onto the Killsaws before taking a quick nip from Backlash, whose weapon seems to be a little less powerful than usual (until it stays powered and digs into the side of Sallad shortly thereafter). The problem with Backlash is that when its disc is spinning with some power behind it, the force of the blade pulls Backlash up onto its extended wheel axle and the robot becomes vulnerable, especially against Sallad whose specialty is using its freaky arm to poke, smash, and lift its opponents. Television sound effects aside, Backlash has not done much to Sallad at all, and with a quick bit of force Sallad gets Backlash onto the saw blades which destroy the decorative rear "wedge" of the robot.

         Watch closely, though. There is a running gag in this episode I think where the robots that are clearly winning and able to get a hold of their opponents start breaking. Toro was a fluke, Complete Control is understandable; Gold Digger, well yeah, but now Sallad burning up? Sallad is essentially out of commission now and emitting clouds of smoke; because it's an easy target Backlash is able to get its weapon spinning and keep it that way to land in some of the powerful shots that it's known for. One final blow to assure the win and Backlash moves on over Sallad. I'll spare you the tossed salad jokes.

Voltronic vs. Frost Bite
         Here's a fight that I'm almost certain won't end with some voodoo knock out, it's going to be Shove Fest 2008 (2001?) all up in here. Voltronic (formerly Voltarc) is a nearly bulletproof wedge with a lifting arm containing hidden teeth. Earlier we got to see it take Bigger Brother to the cleaners to ream steam and dry clean him as the Brits so eloquently put it earlier in the season (seriously them's not fightin' words them's barely words at all). Frost Bite is also a robot we've seen a lot of. It's painfully irritating paint job might help the drivers see it when they use it to bulldoze their snow-covered driveway but on TV it hurts to look at it. Frost Bite zips around the arena toting a tooth covered snowplow (haha Frost Bite get it). Frost Bite used its... actually it didn't really have to use anything against Overkill it just outmatched it because Overkill is a pretty ineffective robot overall.

         Frost Bite has four wheel drive with four wheelchair motors. Not only can it tote your average Wal-Mart fatty around (and thusly push a much lighter BattleBot around) but it also makes Frost Bite very nimble and able to push Voltronic around. We get another brilliant clip of Stephen Felk driving Voltronic with that crazy telephone-looking remote (he's going to break that damn thing eventually); he has every right to look like he is in panic though, as Frost Bite's snowplow is preventing Voltronic from being able to get under and shove it around. Somehow after a lot of standoffs Frost Bite is missing one of its axle spikes and is noticeably slower that is was at the beginning of the fight. Yes, this is another fucking bizarre bout of "my opponent was kicking my ass but then randomly stopped working" syndrome.

         Voltronic is under Frost Bite and taking the robot to nearly every set of Killsaws and over to the Pulverizers. The hammer misses and Frost Bite is knocked free, but the robot is visibly broken and unable to move around. Voltronic uses this time to carry the beaten utility robot to the spike strip to assure a judge's decision.

War Machine vs. DooAll
         I have faith that this fight will be a decent one, I feel it this time. War Machine is a robot with an excessive amount of wheels that proved to Snake that you can literally be a giant brick with a wedge and still win in BattleBots. Then again I have this strange feeling that Scrap Daddy could have done the same to Snake; that was an easy target. DooAll has quietly made its way to the quarterfinals this season without being noticed. Last season DooAll was the Super Heavyweight runner up, having to deal with the likes of SLAM and Ronin, collectively taking damage and ultimately falling apart against Minion. Minion's already dead this season so it's open for the taking if DooAll's sleeker weapon system and bulldozer plows can take it all the way.

         As the fight begins DooAll lowers its flashy pneumatic rod from its introduction while War Machine comes out and nails the tank robot sending it flying. War Machine is having a hard time getting the same effect from DooAll and is instead coming to a standoff, where DooAll should be popping with that ramrod but there's no action going on from DooAll's weaponry and even if there was it's a blunt ended weapon instead of a spike so more than likely it would be deflected. While War Machine is busy prodding the sides of DooAll, there's a little bit of damage done to DooAll's scoops (they start to hang down and move around) and its spike is firing a little late. A trip up War Machine's wedge knocks one of DooAll's scoops loose, turning into I guess a shoe that starts to drag around and get hung up on the arena floor.

         With DooAll bouncing around like crazy War Machine is easily able to get under its opponent and pop it into the air as demonstrated at the beginning of the fight. With the help of Hellraisers War Machine is able to do this one last time before the three minutes are up and the 10WD Super Heavyweight moves on to meet Diesector in a future episode.

Beta Raptor vs. Crusher
         Call me soft, but I admire the grandfatherly Thomas Petruccelli. He seems to know that "his 15 minutes of fame is up" when he meets last season's finalist Beta Raptor (formerly Alpha Raptor); I haven't seen another driver that modest since Christian Carlberg tried to laugh off the fact that he smashed the $20,000 into the wall and flipped it over. Beta Raptor has been successfully tossing its opponents around and making its way to the finals once again (preferably to have a rematch with Backlash). The robot looks the same for the most part with the exception of its new weapon, a single lifting spike compared to its former arrangement of three. Crusher, much like Beta Raptor, is known for losing to Backlash in a spectacular way. Unlike Beta Raptor there's not a lot done in terms of upgrades aside from the fact that the difference in age between its new and old driver is about 55 years.

         Right away both robots remind us that they're insanely fast, and there's a bit of role reversal as Crusher starts to smash itself into the Hellraisers instead of letting Beta Raptor do it. Crusher is absolutely having its way with Beta Raptor despite its initial bout of suicidal tendencies and is able to get under the saurian lifter and smash it into the wall. Although Beta Raptor is incredibly fast, Crusher is faster and literally seems to have Beta Raptor dumbfounded as it repeatedly attacks and bumps its opponent around. Crusher gets a little too close to the Pulverizer, takes a hit, backs into the wall, and then gets a tad too close to Beta Raptor. Much like fucking with a rattlesnake and then getting too close to it, Beta Raptor strikes and flips Crusher over, effectively rendering its speedy wedge useless. Crusher tries to retaliate but there's nothing, just a bump and Crusher is bounced right into the spike strip where it gets hung up.

         Crusher is now the disoriented robot as Beta Raptor pries it from the wall to have his way with the dazed robot. Crusher bumbles around a bit while Beta Raptor chases its prey down; Crusher eventually tries to pull off a swerve-charge kind of attack (similar to Bad Attitude vs. Deadblow) and much like the fight mentioned in parenthesis Crusher misses and lodges itself into the wall again. What is this, an admission of loss? 30 to 15 seems a little one sided but regardless, Beta Raptor's sly trapping of Crusher was enough to turn the tables in its favor.

         What a weird episode.

- Justin "RFS" Bardin