The_Game_Graveyard- boom-adapter - Boom Adapter (N64 / PC)

author:Justin "RFS" Bardin

 

         When forum user mean2u brought up the idea of playing Nintendo 64 games on the computer via an emulator (legally, mind you) the concept of online multiplayer came along as well. Imagine e-kicking someone's ass for real, only in Super Smash Bros. instead. I downloaded the required pieces and started playing my games, without the need to blow in them about ten times to get them to work. However, one problem I ran into is that the Nintendo 64 controller is pretty ergonomic, because it has no less than 28 trillion buttons and knobs on it somehow laid out in a manageable form. A keyboard cannot do this as effectively.

         The idea of buying an adapter for the controllers came up, and sounded great. I did some looking around, and by looking around I mean bargain hunting on eBay and came across an adapter that would do the job for me. I forked over my $15 and waited a week for my adapter that would not only support Nintendo 64 controllers but PlayStation as well, if I ever found myself desperately needed to use a PlayStation controller for whatever reason. All was well until I opened up the box from the post office to reveal, to my horror:



         If the suffering of mankind could be summarized in one image, and also in horrible English, this was it. What had I gotten myself into? I can't understand a single thing going on on this box, nor why it includes a floppy disk. Who the hell uses those anyways these days? Luckily I had bought an external disk drive just out of boredom one day, so maybe it would come in handy (like right now). What does "FULL COLORS" mean and why is it in Comic Sans MS font? Does it really matter what color this adapter is as long as it works? Are we talking about designer patterns on some of them or something? And what the hell does "Extra Stable" and "Highly Compatibility" mean? I would later, of course, find out that there is nothing "highly compatibility" about this thing.



         I flipped the box over and looked at the back. I don't know why I did, really. I guess I was hoping that the other side would say "LOL JUST KIDDING" and have perfect college graduate written English on it, but of course I was wrong. I flip it over to see the same "highly compatibility" message along with a diagram of someone plugging a Dance Dance Revolution pad and a PlayStation controller into a Nintendo 64. Looking at the back, it proclaims that you don't need an external power source, and that this fine piece of Chinese art is a "Plug & Play" device (those lying bastards).

         Thankfully I see what I am looking for, the system requirements. It appears I am screwed as I don't have a copy of Eindows 95 OR 98, so my hopes and dreams of controller heaven were stepped on at that very moment. I did however have "any USB port" so not all hope was lost. They like to talk a lot about Sony and how they don't sponsor or endorse this item, but what about Nintendo? Did they just give this unnamed company the thumbs up to make this extremely quality product?



         I opened up the box and inside was the plastic blue adapter and a purple 3.5" diskette. The vendor I bought this from said this was indeed "Plug & Play", so I plugged my controller into the adapter and then plugged it into the computer and wouldn't you know, absolutely nothing happened. There's a switch on the side, so maybe it's on the wrong mode. I fool with the switch; the LED goes from green to red to green as I flick it on and off. Apparently green means "not working" and red means "not working even more than green". I try mapping the buttons to my program, but the adapter is silent as it sits there, completely deaf to my commands, probably like the underpaid Chinese slave laborer that assembled the product in the first place.

         Looking for help, I opened up the bag the diskette was in and popped it into the drive on my computer. Inside was a useless configuration settings file and the Microsoft Word readme file. Knowing damn well that opening up the readme would be a bad idea, I did anyways with hopes that my problem could be rectified. Instead I am blasted in the face with generic installation instructions that don't apply to me (telling me that it should be recognized immediately) and some other tips that are meaningless, which include, and I quote:

         "But we STRONGLY SUGGEST you to download the Microsoft DirectX 8.1 and install this Microsoft driver, it's best solution for you! Your computer can automatic detect ALL the USB convertor / USB joypad / USB steering wheel ......etc!"

         "If you have installed the OLD version DirectX before, you can use this DirectX Uninstall Software - " DirectX Buster V2.1 Beta 4 " to uninstall your old version DirectX then reinstall the newest version late."

         "When you have installed the DirectX 8.1 already but your SONY joypad is not working well, it's your SONY joypad compatible cause, please replace another brand PS joypad to test it again."

         And then at the very bottom of the document I find this:

         "BUT for the N64 joypad, isn't ALL joypad can working steady since the structure of N64 joypad is very complex, so we can't 100% guarantee your N64 joypad can 100% work."

         Even THEY admit that the Nintendo 64 controller is fucking insane, and that is their reason for their product being utter crap. However, they are nice enough to ironically end this readme file with the one sentence that should have been emblazoned on the front of the box:

         "You have to think over it before you decide to buy this device."

         WELL THANKS A FUCKING LOT. I have to buy this piece of shit before you admit to me that I probably shouldn't buy it because it doesn't fucking work. What an oxymoron if I saw one. Fuck you, unnamed Chinese company that created this abomination of plastic compounds and silicon. Fuck you to hell.

         For those of you interested in getting an adapter to play your games on, I advise you avoid this like the plague. Anybody suggesting this piece of shit to someone is sick in the head and needs to be put down. This is not worth the effort or the money at all. In fact, if I could give this a rating on a scale from one to ten I'd probably have to give it a "FUCK ME IN THE ASS" as a score. For the morbidly curious, here is a link to the "readme help file" that was included:

         Do not click this link ever, you will regret it dearly.

         If you're in the market for a Nintendo 64 to PC adapter, stick with the Adaptoid. It's $35 but the thing works perfectly. I trashed this piece of crap (and was never refunded), paid more, and got more.

- Justin "RFS" Bardin