The_TXT_Dumpster- crime-christmas - Crime & Christmas

author:Justin "RFS" Bardin

 

         When I was a little kid, Santa was a real cool guy. He comes into my house and gives me the awesome things that I wanted. Years later I thought that through for a second. HE BREAKS INTO MY HOUSE?!

         Who was sick enough to dream that one up? "Go to sleep so someone you don't know can seamlessly break into the house and leave things for you." If someone is that good at being undetected... well couldn't he steal things too? Wake up the next morning to see a bike in the living room but the TV and stereo are gone?

         Where did they go? That's how Santa gets presents for other people. See, that isn't a new bike; he stole it from some kid who wanted a TV and a stereo. You weren't using the TV or stereo that often, so he stole them to give out as presents. His elves only do so much before they die or get arthritis, or he forgets to feed them and they starve to death. It's a fair trade. You gave some crap you don't need, and you get a refurbished bike. Shut up and ride, and have dad fix that squeaky training wheel.

         The moment you sit on his lap at the mall, you're saying "HELLO PLEASE COME BREAK INTO MY HOUSE!" Especially in today's world, with the terrorism scares and all, how come Santa is the only person you want breaking into your home? What if this whole time he actually was a terrorist and plotted this large scale attack over the years? Every gift was a bomb. There goes the country and every home on the Earth. It's the perfect plan.

         When I was a little kid, I never put much thought into that. I just wanted my goddamned Sonic game. I didn't piece together the fact that he actually has to somehow get into the house. Everyone knows he comes in through the chimney... and the reason no one has blocked those off is why? Because if Santa can come in and bring you a 40" HDTV through that damn thing, the crackhead living in the meth lab down the street can do just the opposite.

         Think about that next time you want something for Christmas. If you want to keep terrorism out, ask Santa to get you something on eBay. He'll have a grand time doing so.

- Justin "RFS" Bardin